Breadcrumbs

Have you ever felt a little lost? In your own skin, I mean.

Like you’re driving down a street you haven’t driven down in a long time, and you’re thinking “This looks familiar…kinda, I’m pretty sure I made out with Jenny behind that tree…or maybe it was that tree. Did that house always used to be there?”

That’s where I am right now. Not thinking about where I made out with Jenny (Whose Jenny?) but lost in a familiar place.

I know where I am, it’s just different than it looked like before. Not bad different, just different different.  Like when Wendy’s changed the oil they used on their fries…not bad, just different.

I recently made the revelation that there had been some serious unbalance in my life for a long long looooooonnnnngggg time. Serious unbalance. And I needed to fix it. So I spent the time, I figured out where the squeak was coming from and I oiled the shit out of it until it didn’t squeak any longer.

But as soon as that squeak was quieted, I heard a drip. So I found where the drip was coming from and I tightened the pipe until it didn’t drip any longer.

But as soon as the drip stopped I heard a creak. So I looked for where the creak was coming from and I massaged the wood until it didn’t creak any longer.

I’m not entirely sure why I chose very home improvement-y and oddly sexual ways to describe fixing my mental state, but I did. So…yeah.

Anyways, I fixed what was wrong. Mostly, still not 100% there yet, but hey, after nearly 18 years of struggling with depression I figure “almost” is pretty damn good. (More on that later, probably after I have a kid and I confess to being terrified of passing that on to him/her)

But, here I am. A different person than I was a few months ago. Not bad different, just different different.  I don’t totally recognize myself. My passions, my hobbies,  or my goals. I mean, outside of the obvious; friends, family, Stacey, our cats (please don’t tell Batman I said that) starting a family, buying a house.  You get the gist.

It’s not a bad thing. It just means I lack a clear direction for the moment. I understand the general area I want to be, just not exactly how I plan to get there.

And, I’m ok with that. Not totally stoked, but I’m ok.  I have to be, not because “That’s my situation and I am stuck with it” but because I’m really happy with where I am. Despite the unknowns and I wouldn’t change that. I just need to get back to who I am.

I don’t mean who I was. I mean who I am. There is a difference, and that will be the key to figuring out how I plan to move forward.

I’ll get there.

But if you were wondering why I haven’t blogged since Greece, that’s why.

I’m not sure which story to tell.

 

 

 

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